Mothers and Daughters, Daughters and Mothers.......

(me and my daughter)

To tell you the truth, I was not as close to my mom growing up as I would have liked. It wasn't util I left the house (at 18) that we became close. So close, in fact, that I just about worship her and all that she is to me. She is my heart, my home, my very best friend; and I'd be lost without her love in my life.

The moment I gave birth to my very own daughter, I knew that I did not want the same childhood relationship between mother and daughter that I had had. I vowed to make it better and right with her. In this process, she and I would become stronger, happier, and extremely bonded. It seemed as though, instinctually, I just knew what not to do as well as what to do. I have always been quite empathetic when raising my children, so putting myself back into my daughter's little shoes (and bigger ones as she's grown), I was able to relive, reconcile, and nurture her in the way in which I felt a mother's loving guidance should be. I am happy to say that she and I have a beautiful relationship, and I look forward to what the future brings between the two of us.

I share these words with you, dear reader, because of the many women that I see who suffer from resentful and dysfunction emotions associated with their relationships with either their mothers, daughters, or sometimes even both.

You see, the mother-daughter journey is a very complicated and intense life experience. So much so, that there have been numerous books and talk show "chats" about this very subject. My intention in today's post is to put things in simpler and more hopeful terms.

I'd like to convey to you, dear reader, some points in the following numbered statements:

1. No one's relationship with another is perfect. They are all flawed in one way or another. This is how it is and should be (we are here to learn). Do not feel as though you have to achieve perfection on this level.

2. Everyone has an innate desire for parental approval even though they may not admit it.

3. Women emulate their mother's behavior, good and bad. It is for you to choose the better and deal with the bad by separating yourself from it.

4. If your mother comes from a childhood full of chaos and/or disapproval, she may not have ever had the emotional capacity needed to raise you with the love, affection, and acceptance that you required. Also,she may never admit to or validate your feelings toward her. This has nothing to do with your worthiness.

5. We are all entitled to love and cannot thrive without it.

6. With your own daughter, never ever over compensate for your own mother's shortcomings. This will not bring you closer. It will only perpetuate your ill feelings toward your mom and in turn, breed new ones within your own daughter.

7. If you have the opportunity to confront your mother and she is willing to mend your relationship and move forward, then you are blessed. On the other hand, if your mother is no longer with you or she is not open to having a conversation, then you must move on in the acceptance of this fact. You will not be able to change the damage that has already been done. You can only look to the future by letting go.

8. You do have the power to choose a better and brighter life for yourself and your own daughter.

9. You do have the power to move forward with love for yourself and be a positive influence to your daughter.

10. You do have the power to not allow anyone to be neglectful and indifferent toward you, especially your mother.

11. A good relationship between mother and daughter is not a given for anyone. It is a blessing to be appreciated and cherished.

12.  You are the link between what your mother was to what your daughter will become.

Remember, it was your mother's responsibility to raise you, not the other way around. If there is still hope in your relationship, you may be able to help guide her and yourself to a more respectful and loving relationship. Within honestly and openness, you may be able to mend the broken fences and, in turn, breath new life into your outlook. Also, you may then have peace of mind when it comes to your relationships with all the other women in your life.

Be a good mother. Be a good daughter. Be blessed, for you are what love is.......

How is it that my 3 year old daughter is driving and now graduating high school?

I could have sworn it was literally just yesterday that my daughter was 3 years old. I remember that time so vividly. She was 3 and my son about 6 months. We had just moved to Texas about 4 months prior, away from my immediate family in Arizona. My husband worked about 60 hours a week and when he was home, it seemed as though he was relentlessly on call. And so, there I was with 2 little ones, in a new state, no family around, and what seemed like an absent husband. You could say that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.

On one of my parent's frequent visits, I was explaining my woes and frustrations to my dad and this is what he told me: "Enjoy this time while they are little because before you know it, you'll wake up and they'll be grown, and out of your house." I listened to his words of wisdom and half heartily thought to myself, "That's nice, and how soon will this happen?" In great retrospect I had no idea of how right he was.

Flash forward, to today. I wake up and find that my 3 year old baby girl is now driving and about to graduate high school is a few days. How did this happen? Just yesterday, I was wiping her red lipstick smeared face! I could probably go on forever with all she was doing yesterday and what she is now doing today, but I won't.There is just too much that has happened over night. It is now time to open my eyes and wake up to the light of this day and accept that fact that she is growing up and I must let her.

I find myself feeling very sad about these changes yet, at the same time, so proud and excited for her. And so, I've come to the conclusion that in order to deal with these conflicting emotions I must first recognize two important things. First, this experience holds two truths: one being a death of sorts, and the other being a rebirth. Second, I must learn to mourn the past in my own head while rejoicing in my daughter's future.

You see, death, in a figurative sense, is not always a bad thing. As you find yourself having to close a door on one chapter in your life, you are, in essence, killing it away and therefore must allow yourself to go through the proper mourning process. Once dealt with, you can then  find the new door, open it, and walk through with a bright smile toward the future.

This is what I am currently telling and coaching myself through as I find myself deep in the mourning process while writing this post. I expect to cry tears of sorrow as well as joy when I see her parade along the graduation procession. I also expect to be a bit of a mess a couple of days before and after, knowing all the while that it will work out as it should, as it is supposed to be. My heart will be full of joy and hope as her life experiences a rebirth into her future.

As I sit through her graduation ceremony I will be donning waterproof mascara and eyeliner with a big box of very soft tissue by my side while trying to take photos in between moments of lucidity; and I will survive!

The precious gift of healing and growth brought to you by your child.....

I have always said that the day my first born came into the world (my daughter), I not only cried tears of joy, but also those same tears you shed when you see someone you have not seen in a very long time. I knew, at that very moment, that she was my soul mate. I was sure that we had traveled thoughout eternity together and that we were again reunited.

When she became about 6 months old, I had the most incredible epiphany. Maybe it was brought on by me  being the empathetic person that I am, but for what ever reason, I felt extremely blessed; as I had realized that she was my gift to myself that forced me to relive and repair my own childhood.

As time passed and old childhood memories followed (age appropriate to her) I was able to work through the negative and embrace the positive. In doing so, my mission would be to raise my children where their lives would be a correction to mine and therefore they would be better people than myself. I would be able to gift the world much more confident, happier, and brighter individuals.

So far (they are both teens, one is graduating from high school in a few weeks), I am pleased to say that this empathetic and positive motivator has worked quite well. They both have seems to be on the right path to being amazing adults.

I have encountered  parents who live their lives through their children as opposed to with them. Also, I have found that some parents seems to have a need to overcompensate for their own childhood inadequacies. Of course, there are those who continue to perpetuate their own dysfunction to the next generation. This all makes me quite sad.

The journey of parenthood is for both parent and child. Growth should be a forward motion with a goal of enlightenment. I must share that I am most fortunate in the fact that my immediate family (mom, dad, and both brothers) are always open and loving when it comes to discussing with them any old issues that need to be revisited, discussed, and repaired. My children also see this and are comforted by it. Knowing that is one of the most healthy ways to move forward. Remember,we as parents, lead by example.