Rewarding One's Self in Keeping With Your Effort....

All positive efforts deserve a positive payback which validates the original effort. For instance, in growing a vegetable garden or fruit trees, your reward would be the healthy literal "fruits" of your labor. The freshly sliced tomato, the ripe peaches, or even the glass of wine.

We could take this theory in another direction by citing the rewards benefited from losing the weight you needed to and then going out and purchasing beautiful new clothes for your beautiful new body (then bump it up a notch and get a few accessories!). In yet another direction, you could use the example of the personal rewards received when after working very hard and diligently to be a good parent for many years and then seeing the glorious outcome of a well adjusted and loving individual that you can now present to the world on their own. They, in turn, becoming even better parents/people than you.

All these labors come into fruition with the final results you had hoped and worked hard for, in it being a gift in itself. But be careful: you should always be mindful of your rewards as to not to undermine your original effort and in doing so start an unhealthy cycle.

Let me refer to the weight loss example first. You should never reward yourself with the object (or habit) that got you into trouble in the first place, like going out to gorge on a large meal to "celebrate" the new you. All this does is place the unhealthy importance on food that you have been trying to psychologically ween yourself off of while taking the weight off. If you want to go out to dinner and feast, pick another reason. Otherwise, you are just undermining your original efforts and will eventually fall right back to day one when you looked into the mirror and decided that you had to make some changes and that a long road lies ahead.

As a parent, you may think you are doing a great job by making up for your inadequate or dysfunctional childhood to one extent or another but too many times I have seen this parental behavior/style backfire in the form of overcompensating and spoiling, resulting in a child who becomes one who feels entitled and unsympathetic to the world around them. This is not good on a generational level.

I find it most fulfilling when your rewards come full circle. These experiences will be more whole and complete. You will feel a great sense of accomplishment while being grateful at the same time. In these accomplishments you will be able to share your wisdom and nurture others in their own personal journeys. Another circle. Another connection. Another smile shared in deep satisfaction and self fulfilling love.

Note: All photos on this post are some of the Rewards from my gardening!

Self Respect; For You and Your Children

Pictured above is me at age 5, chubby and happy. Most of my childhood and adolescence was riddled with weight issues and having to be the "new chubby kid" in school, too many times to mention ,which leads to teasing and lots of belly aches (my parents liked to buy and sell houses). Through it all, my stability came from being from a very large and loving Italian family and a father who told me that I was "the most beautiful girl in the world" on a daily basis. My mother lead by example, showing me that being a strong and independent woman was something to be proud of and to strive for. I could have gone either way when it came to my self image.

 After all was said and done, I chose to believe my dad: that I was special and that I could be whoever I wanted because I was worthy. Being innately outgoing, becoming a strong and proud woman was probably inevitable, but through my mom, I knew I wanted to be like her. This was one of the greatest gifts my family could have given to me. After making some bad choices during my teenage years and in my early 20's, it was the basic instilled belief in myself that contributed to me becoming the self confident woman that I am.

The reason for my sharing this with you is to explain the basis of my belief of how important and vital it is to have a healthy sense of self respect and worth. When you respect yourself you do not allow others to mistreat you and you base all of your decisions with great confidence and in some cases, when appropriate, with tenacity.

When having children, I knew that the gift of a positive self image, would be one of the greatest assets that they would eventually leave home with, helping to guide them throughout their lives. I feel that it a most vital tool to posses in the pursuit of a healthy, happy, and fulfilling life. As a parent I would lead by example; for there are no "victims" in my household because when you play victim so do your children and this is never a good idea.

Basically speaking, I feel that the very first steps in building a positive self image for your children is to start out with them when they are very young. Teaching them the concept of respect for others through discipline, limits, and routine. All of these being taught with great love and empathy. Doing so will make them feel safe and secure. They will know what to expect and when to expect it. This will, in turn, give them the tools needed to want to please themselves after they have worked so hard to please you. Moving forward, they will be used to the idea that what makes them feel good also makes others feel the same way. The rest, with more guidance, will build upon itself  to produce an adult with self love, respect, and the confidence to be an example to others.

Even if you are not the most confident and secure individual, by teaching these lessons to your children, you will in turn be reinforcing these beliefs in yourself and grow along with them. It's a beautiful thing.

The precious gift of healing and growth brought to you by your child.....

I have always said that the day my first born came into the world (my daughter), I not only cried tears of joy, but also those same tears you shed when you see someone you have not seen in a very long time. I knew, at that very moment, that she was my soul mate. I was sure that we had traveled thoughout eternity together and that we were again reunited.

When she became about 6 months old, I had the most incredible epiphany. Maybe it was brought on by me  being the empathetic person that I am, but for what ever reason, I felt extremely blessed; as I had realized that she was my gift to myself that forced me to relive and repair my own childhood.

As time passed and old childhood memories followed (age appropriate to her) I was able to work through the negative and embrace the positive. In doing so, my mission would be to raise my children where their lives would be a correction to mine and therefore they would be better people than myself. I would be able to gift the world much more confident, happier, and brighter individuals.

So far (they are both teens, one is graduating from high school in a few weeks), I am pleased to say that this empathetic and positive motivator has worked quite well. They both have seems to be on the right path to being amazing adults.

I have encountered  parents who live their lives through their children as opposed to with them. Also, I have found that some parents seems to have a need to overcompensate for their own childhood inadequacies. Of course, there are those who continue to perpetuate their own dysfunction to the next generation. This all makes me quite sad.

The journey of parenthood is for both parent and child. Growth should be a forward motion with a goal of enlightenment. I must share that I am most fortunate in the fact that my immediate family (mom, dad, and both brothers) are always open and loving when it comes to discussing with them any old issues that need to be revisited, discussed, and repaired. My children also see this and are comforted by it. Knowing that is one of the most healthy ways to move forward. Remember,we as parents, lead by example.