Mothers and Daughters, Daughters and Mothers.......

(me and my daughter)

To tell you the truth, I was not as close to my mom growing up as I would have liked. It wasn't util I left the house (at 18) that we became close. So close, in fact, that I just about worship her and all that she is to me. She is my heart, my home, my very best friend; and I'd be lost without her love in my life.

The moment I gave birth to my very own daughter, I knew that I did not want the same childhood relationship between mother and daughter that I had had. I vowed to make it better and right with her. In this process, she and I would become stronger, happier, and extremely bonded. It seemed as though, instinctually, I just knew what not to do as well as what to do. I have always been quite empathetic when raising my children, so putting myself back into my daughter's little shoes (and bigger ones as she's grown), I was able to relive, reconcile, and nurture her in the way in which I felt a mother's loving guidance should be. I am happy to say that she and I have a beautiful relationship, and I look forward to what the future brings between the two of us.

I share these words with you, dear reader, because of the many women that I see who suffer from resentful and dysfunction emotions associated with their relationships with either their mothers, daughters, or sometimes even both.

You see, the mother-daughter journey is a very complicated and intense life experience. So much so, that there have been numerous books and talk show "chats" about this very subject. My intention in today's post is to put things in simpler and more hopeful terms.

I'd like to convey to you, dear reader, some points in the following numbered statements:

1. No one's relationship with another is perfect. They are all flawed in one way or another. This is how it is and should be (we are here to learn). Do not feel as though you have to achieve perfection on this level.

2. Everyone has an innate desire for parental approval even though they may not admit it.

3. Women emulate their mother's behavior, good and bad. It is for you to choose the better and deal with the bad by separating yourself from it.

4. If your mother comes from a childhood full of chaos and/or disapproval, she may not have ever had the emotional capacity needed to raise you with the love, affection, and acceptance that you required. Also,she may never admit to or validate your feelings toward her. This has nothing to do with your worthiness.

5. We are all entitled to love and cannot thrive without it.

6. With your own daughter, never ever over compensate for your own mother's shortcomings. This will not bring you closer. It will only perpetuate your ill feelings toward your mom and in turn, breed new ones within your own daughter.

7. If you have the opportunity to confront your mother and she is willing to mend your relationship and move forward, then you are blessed. On the other hand, if your mother is no longer with you or she is not open to having a conversation, then you must move on in the acceptance of this fact. You will not be able to change the damage that has already been done. You can only look to the future by letting go.

8. You do have the power to choose a better and brighter life for yourself and your own daughter.

9. You do have the power to move forward with love for yourself and be a positive influence to your daughter.

10. You do have the power to not allow anyone to be neglectful and indifferent toward you, especially your mother.

11. A good relationship between mother and daughter is not a given for anyone. It is a blessing to be appreciated and cherished.

12.  You are the link between what your mother was to what your daughter will become.

Remember, it was your mother's responsibility to raise you, not the other way around. If there is still hope in your relationship, you may be able to help guide her and yourself to a more respectful and loving relationship. Within honestly and openness, you may be able to mend the broken fences and, in turn, breath new life into your outlook. Also, you may then have peace of mind when it comes to your relationships with all the other women in your life.

Be a good mother. Be a good daughter. Be blessed, for you are what love is.......

Family far and away........

Growing up in the northeast, I moved around a lot, but always lived within a 50 mile radius of my very large family. This made them all very accessible at all times and therefore a constant part of my life, until the the age of 18 when we (my immediate family) all packed up and moved across the country. Waiting for us in Arizona were a few family members that had moved there a couple of years back. For the next 15 years or so, I stayed in Arizona, far away from the bulk of my family members. It was an adjustment at first, but as time went by, it became my new norm.

Married with a toddler and pregnant with my second child, my husband and I decided to take the position offered to him in Texas by his current employer at the time. He went ahead of us, and after my son was born, me and the kids met him there and stayed for 4 years. After that, he was offered another position in the Mid-Atlantic, across the country; and off we went.

I was done with the desert and longed to be back east. This is where I wanted to raise my kids. This is were I felt they would thrive and this was the place that I wanted to call home forever more. 11 years later, we are still here and I am grateful every day. It was one of the best decisions for my little family.

I share this with you, dear reader, so that you know where I am coming from when I speak to the many issues faced when living far away from your family. Making these choices to leave your loved ones is never an easy one. I have based my own decisions to move by what I thought would be best for my family. If that meant having to move away, then so be it.

My children have never known what it is like to be raised in a large family. They have never had the experience of playing with all of their cousins. Nor have they had the opportunity to be able to go the Grandma and Grandpa's whenever they wanted. They do not know the joy of great family gatherings during the holidays or the fun of an impromptu visit from aunts and uncles.

The fact that they have not been able to experience the love and closeness that comes with being surrounded by family makes me sad for them. They know no different, but I do. They have not suffered a loss, but I know what could have been. With all this being said, I still feel that these decisions were the right ones. The fact that they have thrived, regardless of the absence of extended family, is proof that is was.

I want to let you know, dear reader, that if you have to or have made the choice to move away from family that it will be alright. You will adjust and can start a new chapter in your life with a relocation away from your loved ones without any guilt. If you choose to move for the betterment of your family's quality of life, let no one guilt you into staying. You must do what is best for you and your family. If those around you love you, in a true and selfless way, they will let you go and not try and selfishly hold you back. (I know that there are extenuating circumstances to these statements, but for this post, I must generalize)

The other motivator for writing this post today is the current situation many are finding themselves in due to the poor economy. We all know someone, if not ourselves, who is suffering with financial difficulties. During these unfortunate times, we are having to make the most difficult choices. In some instances, one of them could be the decision to have to move their family far and away from their loved ones in order to either keep their current job or find a new one. If this is the case, I want you to know that even though these moves are difficult, you will find peace of mind in the end. I want you to have faith that you and your family can get through this life change. I want you to hold out hope for the brighter future that awaits your family, even though it may take you away from those you love.

Please remember that once you and another person are close at heart, you are forever close souls. No matter how far apart you may reside from each other, your love has no boundaries and your soul does not know space and time. You are forever bonded. You are always near and dear to those that matter most, no matter how close you live to each other or how far.

I wish you well. I wish you success. I wish you peace of mind.

One great big hug after another, for one another.......

I am and have always a been a big hugger. It must be the Italian in me (100 percent!). It must also be from being from such a large family. You see every time we all got together, which could be up to several times a week, I went around and gave every single person in the room a bug hug. We all did. Big hugs and big smiles.

When you are allowed and encouraged to express yourself in this very personal way as a child, you find that it becomes second nature through out your adult life. You also find that it becomes a necessity. You feel compelled to give out hugs freely and you in turn accept their warmth in embrace openly.

There is no other feeling that I know of that can replace what a hug does for your mental well being. I cannot completely express all of the emotions that are awakened with the act of hugging, for they are so vast and encompassing. But what I can share is that they release a multitude of endorphins into your system bringing you to a happy place (a peaceful resting stop, if you may).

I write about this subject today, dear reader, for the ones who have not had the opportunity to be given the gift of hugging. By this I mean that they were raised devoid of expressing themselves on this level of connection. To the ones that find it hard to let people get close on a physical level. To those who find it most difficult to let go and wrap their arms around another in a long, warm, and sincere embrace. Not being able to connect on this level and therefore not able to experience the pure comfort and acceptance with such closeness.

When you do not know how to allow others to get close to you in a physical way, in many cases, you also may find that your emotional output is also stunted and that you cannot get as close to people as you might like to because you have not be taught (from infancy/childhood) how to do so. The result is a lack of trust and connectedness to rest of the world around you.

While we innately as humans are born with the desire to feel warmth and comfort, the act of hugging is nurtured into each individual. With much repetition, we associate hugging with feelings of expressing love. These hugging connections are made in the brain at the earliest of developmental stages. Continued exposure to this activity strengthens ones' desire to perform this loving action.

My hope is that you all, dear readers, give and receive as many hugs as possible and if you have difficulties with this issue, that you can find some way, deep within yourself to reach out to those around you and give it a try. Once you feel the power of a true hug you will forever be a believer. Hugs heal. Hugs give comfort. Hugs show acceptance. Hugs are love.

Today's Gift 6/19/11: Papa's Meatballs

My parents are here on their yearly visit. They usually stay with us 3 weeks, give or take. During this particular, visit we've been fortunate enough to celebrate their 50th Wedding Anniversary as well as Father's Day. Every time they come to see us my dad makes his obligatory 200 meatballs. Yes, that's right, it's a tradition.

Coincidentally, today being Father's Day, he is making his meatballs this afternoon aided by my daughter (his assistant). My mom and I will be making sure that all the items needed for this process be laid out and at the ready for him before he makes his way downstairs and begins his labor of love. My son will probably show up (from staying at a friends overnight) just in time to eat them. And the wafting smell will lure my husband up from the basement from whatever secret experiment he is currently conducting down there.

This labor of love is one of the most anticipated and appreciated gifts we receive from my dad, steeped in the Italian tradition of how food equates to love. You see, for us, by cooking for someone you are expressing your love and affection toward them. My dad loves to cook for us and he gets great joy from the looks on our faces as we savor every single bite of whatever creation he has put forth. Today, it is his meatballs!

This is a multi-sensory gift. The process itself of the collecting of ingredients and laying everything out, the conversations during the preparation and cooking, the savory aroma that fills the house for days, the unforgettable taste and texture, and the big smiles all around and the hugs and kisses of appreciation.

When they are all done, we will package the remainder up in plastic freezer bags for use at a later time. Long after our bellies have recovered from overfill. Long after the smell has dissipated. Long after he has gone back home. Each time we open a bag, the memories and the love come right out and sustains us till the next visit. The next meatball bonanza. The next warm hug and kiss. The next time we see dad.

Wishing all a warn and loving Father's Day. We love you Papa!

The Unconditional Love for Your Family Does NOT Give Them a Free Pass to "RIGHT"

I was fortunate enough to be raised by a family where being honest with one another and speaking our minds was natural and encouraged. This in no way means that being so made us disrespectful of one another, it was actually quite the opposite. It has brought us to a point where we are all very close. We are not afraid of calling each other out on any subject. Talking things through, we all feel very comfortable and at ease with each other. There are no secrets or skeletons, and our deep love and affection for each other is quite evident. We know that we are all unconditionally loved by each other. We feel safe.

We also know that this affection does not give anyone of us a free pass for being right. We never make excuses for one another because we are related. We don't put up with any kind of disrespect nor would anyone of us even think to do anything to each other without the best intentions in mind. If anything, we expect more from each other because of our close relationships.

I share this with you, dear reader, because of all the pain, anguish, resentment, and excuses I have encountered with others' family issues. It is always unsettling to me when I see someone putting up with some form of major dysfunction, in one way or another, because they are "family".  Making excuses for their bad behavior because they are "family". Biting their tongues because they are "family". Accepting their abuse because they are "family". Enabling them in one way or another because they are "family".



Our family members have in them the greatest capacity for the love that surrounds and nurtures us. They also, in turn, have the greatest capacity to hurt and destroy our spirit. We expect more of them because they are family for they also have the power over us cause feelings of great disappointment and sadness.


If you have no other choice but to be in the presence of family members that are hurtful and/or disrespectful, you must approach them in a way that is true and honest to yourself. If confronting them on an issue is the answer, please do so. If totally avoiding them is possible, please do so. If worse come to worse and cutting then out of your life entirely is the only healthy way for you, then please do so. I do not mean to seem callus. This is not my intention. My intention is for you to not allow anyone to make you feel badly about yourself or the ones you love, even it they are family. Like I said before, you should expect more of them and no less. If you come to the realization that they are not capable of showing the love and respect that you deserve, then you can no longer find yourself capable of accepting their warped sense family. This madness stops with you.

Free yourself from these unrealistic bonds. Be true to yourself and set a positive and empowered example for your children, other family members, and friends. You deserve to be loved unconditionally in the right way!

How is it that my 3 year old daughter is driving and now graduating high school?

I could have sworn it was literally just yesterday that my daughter was 3 years old. I remember that time so vividly. She was 3 and my son about 6 months. We had just moved to Texas about 4 months prior, away from my immediate family in Arizona. My husband worked about 60 hours a week and when he was home, it seemed as though he was relentlessly on call. And so, there I was with 2 little ones, in a new state, no family around, and what seemed like an absent husband. You could say that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.

On one of my parent's frequent visits, I was explaining my woes and frustrations to my dad and this is what he told me: "Enjoy this time while they are little because before you know it, you'll wake up and they'll be grown, and out of your house." I listened to his words of wisdom and half heartily thought to myself, "That's nice, and how soon will this happen?" In great retrospect I had no idea of how right he was.

Flash forward, to today. I wake up and find that my 3 year old baby girl is now driving and about to graduate high school is a few days. How did this happen? Just yesterday, I was wiping her red lipstick smeared face! I could probably go on forever with all she was doing yesterday and what she is now doing today, but I won't.There is just too much that has happened over night. It is now time to open my eyes and wake up to the light of this day and accept that fact that she is growing up and I must let her.

I find myself feeling very sad about these changes yet, at the same time, so proud and excited for her. And so, I've come to the conclusion that in order to deal with these conflicting emotions I must first recognize two important things. First, this experience holds two truths: one being a death of sorts, and the other being a rebirth. Second, I must learn to mourn the past in my own head while rejoicing in my daughter's future.

You see, death, in a figurative sense, is not always a bad thing. As you find yourself having to close a door on one chapter in your life, you are, in essence, killing it away and therefore must allow yourself to go through the proper mourning process. Once dealt with, you can then  find the new door, open it, and walk through with a bright smile toward the future.

This is what I am currently telling and coaching myself through as I find myself deep in the mourning process while writing this post. I expect to cry tears of sorrow as well as joy when I see her parade along the graduation procession. I also expect to be a bit of a mess a couple of days before and after, knowing all the while that it will work out as it should, as it is supposed to be. My heart will be full of joy and hope as her life experiences a rebirth into her future.

As I sit through her graduation ceremony I will be donning waterproof mascara and eyeliner with a big box of very soft tissue by my side while trying to take photos in between moments of lucidity; and I will survive!

Self Respect; For You and Your Children

Pictured above is me at age 5, chubby and happy. Most of my childhood and adolescence was riddled with weight issues and having to be the "new chubby kid" in school, too many times to mention ,which leads to teasing and lots of belly aches (my parents liked to buy and sell houses). Through it all, my stability came from being from a very large and loving Italian family and a father who told me that I was "the most beautiful girl in the world" on a daily basis. My mother lead by example, showing me that being a strong and independent woman was something to be proud of and to strive for. I could have gone either way when it came to my self image.

 After all was said and done, I chose to believe my dad: that I was special and that I could be whoever I wanted because I was worthy. Being innately outgoing, becoming a strong and proud woman was probably inevitable, but through my mom, I knew I wanted to be like her. This was one of the greatest gifts my family could have given to me. After making some bad choices during my teenage years and in my early 20's, it was the basic instilled belief in myself that contributed to me becoming the self confident woman that I am.

The reason for my sharing this with you is to explain the basis of my belief of how important and vital it is to have a healthy sense of self respect and worth. When you respect yourself you do not allow others to mistreat you and you base all of your decisions with great confidence and in some cases, when appropriate, with tenacity.

When having children, I knew that the gift of a positive self image, would be one of the greatest assets that they would eventually leave home with, helping to guide them throughout their lives. I feel that it a most vital tool to posses in the pursuit of a healthy, happy, and fulfilling life. As a parent I would lead by example; for there are no "victims" in my household because when you play victim so do your children and this is never a good idea.

Basically speaking, I feel that the very first steps in building a positive self image for your children is to start out with them when they are very young. Teaching them the concept of respect for others through discipline, limits, and routine. All of these being taught with great love and empathy. Doing so will make them feel safe and secure. They will know what to expect and when to expect it. This will, in turn, give them the tools needed to want to please themselves after they have worked so hard to please you. Moving forward, they will be used to the idea that what makes them feel good also makes others feel the same way. The rest, with more guidance, will build upon itself  to produce an adult with self love, respect, and the confidence to be an example to others.

Even if you are not the most confident and secure individual, by teaching these lessons to your children, you will in turn be reinforcing these beliefs in yourself and grow along with them. It's a beautiful thing.